A Post-Modern Catechism - by An Anonymous Christian

Historical Theology Articles

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The Evangelical Church is in dire straights in holding to much of Post-modern theological ideas. For fun..

Q1: What is the chief end of humankind?
A: Humankind’s chief end is to promote world peace and enjoy it forever.

Q2: What rule do we have to direct us how we may accomplish this peace?
A: We have but one rule, and that is that we have none.

Q3: What is God?
A: God is a Spirit, infinite, eternal, and unchangeable in His design to Bless America.

Q4: Are there more gods than one?
A: There is but one only, though the term includes all religions.

Q5: How many persons are there in the Godhead?
A: As many as we want there to be.

Q6: What are the decrees of God?
A: The decrees of God are the contingent purpose according to the counsel of our will, whereby, for our benefit, He will make all our favorite sports teams win.

Q7: How doth God execute His decrees?
A: God executeth His decrees in the work of watching us exercise our free will.

Q8: Where and how is God to be worshipped?
A: He is to be worshipped at the Washington National Cathedral, in the name of the Father, Mohammed, and Jesus Christ.

Q9: What is the first commandment?
A: The first commandment is, Thou shalt make no Absolute Judgments.

Q10: What is the second commandment?
A: The second is like unto it: Thou shalt accept all views as thine own, and be not Bigoted.

Q11: Are we ourselves Bigoted in our thinking?
A: Not at all.

Q12: Not at all?
A: No.

Q13: Not even a little bit?
A: No.

Q14: No?
A: Absolutely not.

Q15: What is the only redeemer of postmoderns?
A: The only redeemer of postmoderns is the Lord High State, which though the coercer of men, condescended to feel our pain, and so was, and continueth to be, coercer and pain-feeler, in two distinct natures, and one administration, forever.

Q16: Wherein consisteth the humiliation of the State?
A: The humiliation of the state consisteth in its being limited by the Founders, in allowing Terrorist Attacks, and losing Jobs.

Q17: Wherein consisteth the exaltation of the State?
A: The exaltation of the State consisteth in it its overcoming of the Constitution, its rule at the right hand of God, and its creation of Jobs.

Q18: What office doth the State execute toward the redeemed?
A: The State executeth the office of a prophet, of a priest, and of a king.

Q19: How doth the State execute its office as prophet?
A: The state executeth its office as prophet by revealing to us, by the TV news, the will of the State for our salvation.

Q20: How doth the State execute its office as priest?
A: The State executeth its office as priest, in continually offering up tax dollars for social programs, and in delivering us from Hate Crimes.

Q21: How doth the State execute its office as king?
A: The State executeth its office as king, in subduing us to itself, in ruling and defending us, and in restraining and conquering all its and our enemies.

Q22: What is the true method of politics?
A: The true method of politics is, to take a position that avoids all extremes, even as this catechism is neither Larger nor Shorter but Medium-length.

Q23: What is the duty of civil government?
A: The duty of civil government is, in matters important, clemency; in matters unimportant, severity; in all things, neutrality.

Q24: What is the principal threat to neutrality in the civil realm?
A: The principal threat to neutrality is Religious Extremism.

Q25: What is Religious Extremism?
A: Religious Extremism is, the view that certain absolute truths exist independent of the minds of men and women, that if something is true, it is true, and that A and not-A cannot both be true at the same time and in the same sense.

Q26: Who are the two most dangerous proponents of Religious Extremism?
A: The two most dangerous proponents of Religious Extremism are Jerry Falwell and Rush Limbaugh.

Q27: By what means may we defeat Religious Extremism?
A: We may defeat it by allowing it to make no Judgments in the civil realm.

Q28: Is this itself a Religious Judgment?
A: Nope.

Q29: Not at all?
A: Not at all.

Q30: Art thou sure?
A: Absolutely.

Q31: Though the aforementioned Extremism is a vicious crime, does this imply that there is no place for religion?
A: No, for there are the Liberal Churches.

Q32: What are the Liberal Churches?
A: The Liberal Churches are those churches which, to avoid conflict with non-Christian thought, and to maintain a High Level of Relevance, have rejected certain Minor points of faith.

Q33: Wherein consisteth the worship of Liberal Churches?
A: Liberal worship consisteth in tolerance, affirmation, lighting of candles, experiencing of religious experience, and the consumption of Goodies.

Q34: What is the Moment of Silence?
A: The Moment of Silence is, a time wherein one may engage in private prayer, meditation, or daydreaming, all while maintaining Religious Neutrality.

Q35: What are the seven deadly vices?
A: The seven deadly vices are, Intolerance, Bigotry, Logic, Extremism, Sexism, Smoking, and making Sin-judgments.

Q36: What is the postmodern view of organized religion?
A: Organized religion is to be carefully avoided (unless at the Washington National Cathedral or in certain Liberal Churches), as are the accompanying matters of liturgies, psalms, and catechisms.

This was originally posted at
www.puritanboard.com/forum/viewthread.php?tid=5255&page=1#pid112581

Bible Verse:

“I am Almighty God; walk before Me and be blameless,” (Gen. 17:1).

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